I told myself I didn't need to be loved, I guess I was wrong. I need it. I need it so bad. I don't want to be alone, I want a companion who can be by my side anytime, I want a companion who can listen to me and calm my fear, I want a companion who loves me.

Not being desperate, but it's only been three days and I already can't take the loneliness anymore. I want someone to tell me he misses me and loves me, I want late night texts. Because everytime I received his texts, nights wouldn't feel so empty. But see what I have now, nothing but a mess. I can't feel my heartbeat anymore. Something in my chest has been swallowed whole. This feeling sucks. It just won't go away.

Have you ever felt like hanging on a cliff, where you had nothing to hold on to but a string? Not even a rope, yes only a string. That it could be cut off easily by the rough rocks? And somehow people are up there watching, wanting to help but they can't? I can see the picture everytime when I close my eyes, I look up and find hands sticking down to try to pull me up. What do I do? I try to grab hold of their hands and pull myself up, but my arms don't allow me, they're not strong enough. It goes on and on, until we all get tired, hands disappearing for they no longer have patience just to save a little life. They're all getting exhausted now, and so am I. One hand can still be seen, right above my head. She tells me to hold on tight, and she tells me not to give up. Those familiar words blow across my cheek, I can barely hear them. The cliff is so deep and the voice is too weak, what does it exactly say?

What does it say?

Awaken

I tossed and turned in my bed, trying to fight the thoughts inside my head. I thought tonight was going to be just like the nights I always had, rough, long and lonely, but it was not. At times, I overworked myself, got home late and all I wanted to do was to jump onto my bed and sleep in, even if I knew I wouldn't be able to rest my brain from thinking. I always couldn't sleep, and instead, I would just lie there with my eyes wide open, staring out the window at the city lights.

Tonight was different from the other nights, tonight was quieter, emptier. Tonight was pitch-dark. Tonight was a refreshing night.

I sat up on my bed with my back against the wall. Keeping my head straight, I looked out the window - I couldn't see a thing - no light, no sound, not even reflections. It was funny how I had thought the window wouldn't let me see through, and even funnier, I caught myself smiling. What was I doing in the dark smiling, appreciating how the night swallowed my nerve? I had no idea. And in fact, I enjoyed it. I'd never had a chance to really see, I mean,look into the dark.

The house had never felt so hollower than tonight. There was only me, sitting straight up on the bed, embracing what I thought was the ever blackest hole, with the clock going tick-tock-tick-tock. I would start to get anxious and scared when I was little. There was no light, there was no hope. My father then, would hold me so close and kissed my forehead gently, he would point to a tiny little star far far away which sparkled with only the dimmest light I had ever seen and told me to never lose hope at night, because - "Even though the sun's down, the stars still come out," his favorite quote.

I couldn't find a star tonight, not a single one. Strange as it seemed, I was not afraid nor did I lose hope. It made me realize that, maybe it was the stars that made us lose hope. There used to be so many stars, twinkling winkling hanging on the sky, the problem was, there were too many stars - people were desperate to make wishes. They wished on almost every star they could see, until they became out of wishes, there were still plenty of stars left. How could people be so foolish, that they really thought stars would carry their every wish? The stars could only help you once, with your most important wish. And when the other wishes didn't come true, people started to complain about how terrible the stars were. They grew up and did not want to believe in wishing-on-a-star anymore.

Tonight was peaceful. I didn't need to hear any complaint anymore, for there was no star on the sky tonight for people to blame. All those people were asleep, lost in their own fancy dreams. I was wide awake in the middle of the night, with my arms wrapped around myself.

I happened to be the only one awake in the dark, while the stars which had been accompanying me ever since I was a child, were all picked by the dreamers. Was it only a coincidence?

I had these weird dreams about phoenixes, then I remembered one of the dreams my sister'd told me about, her dream was almost the same as mine.

I've been fussing over it and trying to figure out what it was supposed to mean,

so I googled 'phoenix dreams', there was a site which explained it all -

Phoenix

To see a phoenix in your dream, symbolizes immortality and renewal. It may also mean that your past continues to haunt you.

I don't have a haunted past like the ones movies and books write about, at least I don't think I have. What is it supposed to mean, my past continues to haunt me? I'm working my ass off now trying to search for other meanings. But anyway, I don't see how phoenixes relate to me, creepy much?