The Arsonist

Antarctica lies in

Not the southernmost part

On earth but in

Me, a place where blood once

Had been pumped in

And out as if an instrument

Drummed itself in

A rhythmic beat endlessly.

It had once been set

On fire by your innocent smile

When we first met.

The sky - it was a clear blue -

I'll never forget.

Such a daring attempt it was

To have me let

Fire burn on ice, knowing it'd fail.

The xx - Sunset

I saw you again, it felt like we had never met
It's like the sun set in your eyes and never wanted to rise
And what have you done with the one I love?
When I look into your eyes, I see no surprise

I always thought it was sad
The way we act like strangers
After all that we had
We act like we had never met

We make believe, I've never seen your face, you neither mine
And catch my eye, don't register a smile
You were more than just a friend, oh but the feeling
It never came to an end, I can't bear to see you

I always thought it was a shame
That we have to play these games
It felt like you really knew me
Now it feels like you see through me

When I see you again
I'll know not to expect
Stay one step away
We will have to wait

When I see you again
And I'm greeted as a friend
It is understood
That we did all we could

I always thought it was sad
The way we act like strangers
After all that we had
We act like we had never met

I always thought it was a shame
That we have to play these games
It felt like you really knew me
Now it feels like you see through me

The Maine - Waiting For My Sun To Shine

Is this a waste of all my precious time
And could this chance that I take lead me to losing my mind
As I step to the edge, I saw the water below
Then I said to myself, "Sometimes you've gotta let go"

All I know is
All I know is
All I know is I'm still waiting for my sun to shine

Oh I see our clouds when I look around
Rain falls from my mouth as it hits the ground
Lead me to the light
'Cause I'm still waiting
I'm waiting for my sun to shine

What does it take to be a liar
And all the chances we take
What we're measured by
As I sat on my couch
I wondered why
It's such a beautiful day
I'm still sitting inside-side-side
All I know is
All I know is
All I know is I'm still waiting for my sun to shine.


I was dancing with the devil
I was singing dirty songs
Pulling whiskey from the bottle
'Till the early break of dawn

Oh my gorgeous Arizona
Here's to gettin' caught with you
I was runnin' with the wolves
I was howlin' at the moon

I felt down and torn apart
With no cash left in my pockets
Just a shitty fortune card
It read "Strength will find you sooner
Than you ever thought it would"

Then the pain it turned to anger
Moved to joy, so now I'm good
And I'm one pack of smokes from broke
I can tell I will make it alone

So I'll keep on fighting
Yeah, I'll keep on fighting
In the end, when you sink, we float

When you're one pack of smokes from broke
When you're one pack of smokes from broke
When you're one pack of smokes from broke
When you're one pack of smokes from broke
I'm just one pack of smokes from broke
Yes I'm one pack of smokes from broke

I'm just one pack of smokes from broke

Losing It

They asked me what I regretted most, I never really regretted anything -
until memories strike me like a thunderstorm, have me realizing this hurricane is what embraces me, cleansing me with its heavy rain.

Thinking back, there is one thing that I regret.

On the previous Valentine's Day, I was dedicated this song from a very special person. He was not the type of guy I had longed for - if I had to be frank. Still, he gave all that he had just to prove himself and prove his love and devotion. I wasn't pleased with his actions at all. I had never come across anyone like him in my life before, and when I did, I panicked, I was terrified to learn how much effort he had been putting in it.

It freaked me out to know that he was already attached and I felt sorry to have him falling so deep. Guilt tortured me. It pretty much explained why I pulled myself back and stepped out of his life. He thought he had lost me, he thought he was nothing but a burden, then he chose to let go.

We all thought he had lost me, until the moment when this song reminds me of us, I know it isn't true that he has lost me - in fact, I was the ignorant, selfish, spoiled girl who had no idea how lucky I was; in fact, I had lost him, forever. He has moved on, and he is happy with what he's got now. I am happy for him as well.

No, I don't love him now, but this song is strongly significant to the bond between us. He knew me more than I knew myself.

The last moment when he chose to leave me - I still remember - he said that it would be my loss; he said that someday, I would regret.

I guess he really does know me well.

 

Time For A Long Holiday

If I were told that this is the time when everything starts falling into place, right back to where they came from and where they had belonged, I wouldn't be bothered.

Regardless of what I want but do not have, I am satisfied with the current state of life, because I am happy that I do not have what I do not want.

Feeling Formulae

I used to write about my feelings. Now I write about my thoughts. It is like how I know what I should feel under different circumstances, with different people. I know I ought to feel sad because I just got dumped. But it is only what I tell myself I should feel because it is supposed to be that way. You know? My feelings now work like a formula:
Happiness = Cookies + Tea + A good book
                  = A warm shower before bed
                  = Go to Stanley with my best friends and all the people I care about
                  = Playing tennis with Connie
                  = Cats
                  = Picking little daisies
                  = Road trips

Fear = J-walking and almost get hit by a truck
         = Getting into trouble at school and get caught
         = Seeing Lego pieces on the floor

Frustration = When someone never listens
                   = Work on something big but turns out so little
                   = Trying to explain myself but they never understand

Satisfaction = Everything goes according to plan
                     = Having to accomplish more than I have expected

Sadness = People walking out of my life, like they die or something...
               = Fear + Frustration + Disappointment
               = Rejections
Et cetera, et cetera...

I used to be proud of myself, of my ability to write down exactly what I feel inside.

"I could write it better than you ever felt it,"

Indeed I was able to. I was so capable of doing that.

Now it sucks to not be able to write down any of my feelings anymore, I can only write down what I think I feel, and what I think I should feel. It really sucks that I'm numb. I just can't remember what it's like to feel.

La Dispute - 9 - Andria

You still cross my mind from time to time. And I mostly smile.
Still so set on finding out where we went wrong and why
So I retrace our every step with an unsure pen,
Trying to figure out what my head thinks,
But my head just ain't what it used to be.
And then again, what's the point anyway?
I remember you ascending all the stairs up to the balcony
To see if you could see me - hidden quietly away
And I remember the skin of your fingers,
The spot three quarters up I'd always touch when I was out of things to say.
You held my hand, but you were too afraid to speak and I could never understand.
I remember when you leaned in quick to kiss me, and I swear,
That not a single force on earth could stop the trembling of my hand,
And I remember how you smiled through the smoke
In a crowded little coffeehouse and laughed at all my jokes.
And I remember the way that you dressed and,
How we wasted all the best of us in alcohol and sweat
And I remember when I knew that you'd be leaving, how I barely kept up breathing
And I bet if I had to do it all again, I'd feel the same pain,
And I remember panicked circles in the terminal in tears.
How I wept to god in fits. I've hated airports ever since.
It must be true what people say, that only time can heal the pain.
And every single day I feel it fade away, but -
I still remember how the distance tricked us,
And lead us helpless by the wrist into a pit to be devoured.
I still remember how we held so strong to this,
Though we had never really settled on a way out.
I still remember the silence, and how we'd always find a way
To turn and run to our mistakes.
I still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again.
My dear, I hear your voice in mine.
I've been alone here, I've been afraid, my dear.
I've been at home here. You've been away for years. I've been alone.
I breathed your name into the air; I etched your name into me.
I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea.
I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear.
It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.
So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.
If I can't love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.
And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end.

Chances

At my darkest times, I would say, "I've got nothing left to lose." Thinking back, what defines nothing? Of course, I've got my family, my friends, they are definitely something. I've got my sister, not just anyone else, but my one and only sister. What was I thinking when I whined about having nothing left to lose?

Chances.

I missed them all the time. I missed my only chances, or that, I took chances at the wrong timing. It has always been my problem. Once they were gone, they never came back. Second chances never came back, unlike the lucky ones, they are always given a second chance while I sit and cry and keep complaining about how unlucky I am and whine and scream and then cry again, hoping to learn to enjoy every second of my insanity but always fail to. Second chances never came twice (at least not for me), not being able to hold on to the chances that had been neglected was my loss and what I consider my biggest failure. Factors like timing, my B.S.L. (Bad Shit of Luck), insecurities, irresponsibility, fear, ignorance, et cetera, et cetera, add up to each of the huge loss in my life.

Then slowly, I learned to overcome all the factors that had led to my failure. I learned to trust, I became a responsible person, I was fearless. Still, timing was never right. We broke up, I waited for him to come back, he found a new love, I still waited, he dumped her and came back, I told him to wait until he was fully ready, we waited, he fell for another girl again, I waited, then I moved on, he came back, he was ready to settle down, but I already moved on, and you know what, it's already been three years and I'm still the only one he's been waiting for. Tragically, I don't love him anymore. He was so lucky to have a second chance, but he didn't hold on to it. And it is such a let down to know there's someone loving me unconditionally, yet I do not love him anymore. Do you see how it sucks to miss a chance?

Drowned in the sea of relationships, chances passed me by again and again. It was all because of bad timing. Then I got ambitious. I tried holding on to every chance that happened to come across my life, I didn't want to lose any of it anymore. Whenever I saw a chance, I rushed to take it, hoping to make the best out of it. I was in such a rush, and I was overwhelmingly ambitious. I knew it would be too fast, I knew I would end up getting hurt - continuously, but I was tempted by grabbing the chances around me. I no longer cared even if I got hurt afterwards, the desperation of holding on tight to these chances would make me happy for a short while - the very short happiness indeed - be it a nano-second, I wouldn't care about how much it would hurt in the end.

Guess what, rushing is never the right thing to do. I lack patience. Because I lack patience, now and again, I've got nothing left to lose. If only I was given another chance out of the 0.000000000000000000001% possibility, I would never tell you how much I loved you until I knew you felt the same and were ready to fit me into your heart and into your life. If only I had just the slightest chance. If only. If only.

It wasn't because you left me that made me cry. It was because we both had thought we were the special one for each other but it turned out different. Honey, you have no idea how much I wish you were the one, and yet, it hurts me so much to finally realize you are not, perhaps never will be.

Keith Urban - Days Go By

We think about tomorrow then it slips away
We talk about forever but we've only got today

So you better start living right now

Maybe this is not what I want.

I'm not sad. Just that, the frustration and disappointment broke my heart. It hurts to know most people don't have faith in love.

Where is my best friend when I need him most

Butterflies? Better Not

Out of all the boys I've been with, there was so far only one that could reach my standard, that explained why we went official. It was no hook up, it was real, at least what I felt for him was real. I pictured our future together - all the things we would have done together but never did; what we would have gone through hand-in-hand, side by side but failed to; all that we could have conquered, spilling our guts out, shouting on top of our lungs recklessly while the clock strikes twelve "The world is ours!" but never really happened. Even so, he was my world. I held on for so long because I believed it was him.

Then we grew apart. Literally and emotionally. As much as he was ten million miles away from where I lived, I felt our souls were, too. It crushed me to know he was slipping away, day by day, until I could no longer feel his existence. I was a stranger to him, a walking corpse to myself. It felt like the end of the world, or perhaps, it was. Maybe the world has been long destroyed ever since the day he left me. My world full of love had disappeared, I looked everywhere for it, it was never found. Feelings were gone. Trust, responsibility, patience, innocence, passion, loyalty - all gone, only memories stayed, let alone be buried deep inside.

Little butterflies came knocking at my door every now and then. They were pretty but never amazing. They brought me to see lovely places, but never the world's greatest wonders. They were the peaceful river, but never the spectacular waterfall. They showed me to different theme parks, malls, jets, but I wanted the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Grand Canyon in Colorado, Mount McKinley in Alaska. I said I wanted to set off, to go exploring the world with only backpacks on our shoulders, they said it was not what a girl should aim for. So after the butterflies had flown around the flowers in my garden for a while and after letting them swirl in my stomach for the slight sense of tickle and laughter, I spit them out.

Butterflies, I watch you fly around me, wear you around me like decorations. I have many of it, need not be surprised. I enjoy the company with butterflies, but this is not what I've been looking for. I lost the heart that has been dug out of me, that is what I am trying to find.

The xx - Chained

If a feeling appears
If your mind should sway
It's not a secret you should keep
I won't let you slip away

Random Shit

I feel like shit right now. And I don't know who I can talk to, or maybe because I don't even know how to open up to them? I hope this place gives me security.

As much as feeling scared, I'm disappointed as well. I've been through several relationships, they all failed. I thought they all failed because of the distance and the separation, I was wrong. They didn't even like me to be honest. They only thought they did because they knew I loved them. It's cruel, really, and unfair. Even worse, it had never been their fault, nor mine. I just couldn't get them to feel the same way about me as I did toward them, but I hadn't noticed until the very last moment, this is the shit part. I had thought they loved me like how I loved them, I just got too involved while they were not. Getting attached is the first most horrible thing that had repeatedly happened to me. Maybe they were my first priority but I wasn't theirs. If only this isn't vague enough to explain the term 'relationship'.

Then I thought, maybe it was illusion that had blinded both sides. Excluding illusion, we would have never put on a false show, I would have never been tricked by it, thinking I had stepped beyond the zone and got a little closer to them. Honestly, thinking back, I thought way too much. Illusion made me picture my future with them. I thought we would be able to make it through. Then guess what, I got my own heart broken.

I'm stepping into this same old cycle again recently. I know I should get out before I fall too deep, but my character doesn't allow me to. I'm not the kind of person that steps out immediately when I notice there's a problem, even if I know the problem can never be solved and it will never work out. That's why in the end, things always end up the same. People around me started to get annoyed, probably because I wouldn't stop whining about how I failed my relationships again, not to mention, making the same wrong decision. Hey, but I can't help it. Now, I don't talk to any of them about any of my stuff anymore. I'm beyond glad to have this place for me to bullshit around.

I'm somewhat disappointed.

Dedicated to Christy

Someone is going to leave today. She is a very important person to me and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. This girl was once my best friend. We laughed, we cried, all the time we spent together made me feel most alive. We aren't best friends anymore, most of the people around us wonder why.

"Is it because of her new friends that you don't like?"
"Is it because of your new friends that she doesn't like?"
"Is it because either one of you ratted out the other?"
They would wonder.

Pal, if that's all you can come up with, then you should shut your mouth, open your eyes and see the bigger picture. Friendship isn't always about having fun together and sharing secrets, or going through ups and downs together. Friendship is about growing up together, coming to realize the best and the worst in one another, learning what you look for in life and that you and your friends might not always be on the same path, then teaching yourself to grow a better self out of it, so that when you are on to a new phase of life, you look back to your past friendship and tell yourself,

"Thank god we both let go. Thank god we've both become what we are today."

The first few months of junior high was a mess. None of us knew what we were doing. I could be compared to a new born baby, just had my eyes opened. We were all completely new and unfamiliar to this school life. I was the odd-one-out, never good at making new friends. She was from another class, and she was friends with my sister. I didn't have any friends when I first came to my class, so I had to stick with my sister during lunch breaks to be less lonely. And that was how me and my former-best friend met. We got along quite well because we had common interests. We had similar taste in music and quite a lot of inside jokes that we knew of. We became very close, we were like each others' shadows. I knew everything about her - well, mostly everything - she knew everything about me. We never left each other and it was what we promised.

We stayed friends for almost four years, but we slowly drifted apart. When we were in senior, we had a change in classes, we had new friends of our own, then. We talked less. I felt it, I knew she felt it too. I always convinced myself that it was just because we were too busy with our new lives, but the lie could never get to my head. I knew it wasn't because we were busy, I knew it was because we were starting to grow up, and we grew to see things differently. We had completely different perspectives and talking to each other started to get more difficult. I don't mean the method of communicating, it was the knowledge and mutual understanding that kept us apart.

Half a year later, we weren't friends anymore. We never talked, we never waved hello even when we walked past each other. I didn't know why. We started to hate each other, with no reason at all. She was a total cunt to me (hey if you're reading this, I'm sorry, but you were really so mean!) and I couldn't get myself to forgive her. We started all the high school drama to pick on each other. Both of our friends joined, of course. It was a huge fight, I don't know when exactly it began, I don't know if it has stopped. Anyhow, it just further damaged the bond between us.

It's not the reason why we're not best friends anymore though. A year later, after the massive high school drama and shit, we started to talk again. We agreed on being friends again, like how we used to be. Deep inside, though, we both knew we couldn't make it. It just wouldn't happen. Not that I hated her, no, not at all. I just found myself avoiding her all the time. It was mostly because I got used to the life without her, and it felt kind of weird to have her back. Besides, I lived pretty fine that way.

Some time ago, something happened to my former-best friend. It was somewhat a tragedy. I was one of those to be the first to know. I still remember how it feels when the news first got to me. I was shaking, my lips trembled. I fought hard trying not to let my tears fall, I didn't want to admit that I cared.

"She doesn't matter to me at all. Not anymore." I told myself.

I couldn't hold back, however. It broke my heart to know she was in the hospital. Every single picture of what had happened that day still tortures my thoughts from time to time. I remember crystal clear how it cut me like a blade. I cried and cried and cried like a baby, it wouldn't stop. It was a drastic moment. I would never forget. It still triggers my tears when I think about it every time. I knew, right at that moment, she was my most precious. I couldn't lose her. It had always been her who made me become myself. She was my then-best friend, and she was the best and the worst I learned from for all these years.

We talked about random things again, after that day and that incident. But I still couldn't get that happiness I once had when I was around her. There's a wall between us, I figured. Somehow, we've grown up, innocence was no more, recklessness was no more. We had been so happy, because we were wild at heart, we were invincible. Now, we've come to realize that as the years go by, burden climbs its way up to our shoulders, only each time, it gets heavier. We live now, behind the veil that hides who we really are, for to protect ourselves, to protect the ones around us, but mostly, to prevent our innocence from slipping away. Ironic, isn't it? The harder we try to hold on to our childlike hearts - to be innocent and pure, the faster and easier we lose it.

Children's friendship is friendship. Grown-ups' friendship is benefit, greed, selfishness, pretense, lies. As time goes by, friendship isn't friendship anymore. There's no such thing as happiness, there're no such things as promises, there's no such thing as trust, needless to say, innocence.

Now, we barely talk. She's leaving today, going to a place for a brand new life, because here in this place, there are only hideous ones, they judge, they hate, they lie. I'm not lucky enough to leave this place yet, but I wish her all the best to be able to leave this living hell. I'm beyond delightful to see her start a new life, but as much as gladness, it breaks my heart, too. For I know that the best thing I can do for her now, is to stay where I am, let her go and pursue her dream, then slowly forget all the undertow that has once nearly dragged her to a place worse than hell.

We're not best friends anymore. I hope we aren't. I hope she has moved on to a new phase, I hope she has found a new life. I hope she takes a step closer to her destination.

I am so happy to have spent my youth with this girl. It startles me, still, to know that she was who I once shared the world with. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The world was once ours, I'll never forget.

This place is boring, so whoever reads my stuff, I love you.

Wanderlust

I caught myself laughing at my stupid imaginations. I do that a lot, to be honest - I mean both imagining and laughing at what has just crossed my mind.

 In the book Looking For Alaska, one of the things I remember Miles Halter saying (very insignificant, I suppose, yet very true) is that

"That didn't happen of course. Things never happened like I imagined them."

I like making things up in my mind. It makes me happy, and perhaps it is the simplest way that I can enlighten my mood. And that I'm glad because things I imagine never happen.

People often take that as a disappointment, but I don't. I am actually quite happy that things never happen the way I imagine them. It is not a disappointment to me because I know from the very beginning that it is only my imagination, it is just what I randomly make up. Oh and believe me, nobody will ever want those things to happen. My imaginations are nuts, I'm telling you.

I was sitting on the sofa reading a book this afternoon. While half of my brain was drenched in the words that are beautifully written by Cecelia Ahern, another half of it wandered off a bit. I started mapping out my own family tree, adding some crazy little details to make it a family of mystery. When it reached far enough to my great-great-great-grandfather, I imagined the secret bond he had with the ancestors of Lee Ka-Shing (probably still the richest man in Hong Kong), and all the deepest, darkest unsolved mysteries about these two families; nevertheless, the fact that my great-great-great-grandfather helped Lee Ka-Shing concealed the truth eventually got them both killed. I imagined danger came after us, and how generations after generations of both of our families lived under the threat of being murdered. I imagined the fear we had to live with, then I imagined my sister being kidnapped. Then my mind got back on track again. Everything in my imagination, POOF! Gone. So I went back to the book again, thanking God how this could never be true, and that my sister was sleeping soundly in her room instead of being kidnapped.

It was merely 60 seconds and I could already make up ridiculous stories that I wish would never happen. Not to mention, the little suspense short story of my family background was hardly related to the book I was reading. It brought me excitement, though. The thrill was indescribable, it somehow made me laugh a little about my silly, yet interesting, thoughts.

Maybe this is what life is all about. When it tightens you with its strong force (like when one dries a towel), draining all your energy away until both your mind and torso become exhausting, it is always good to wander off a bit, do whatever you want; and after a while, get back on track again. This is not easy for some people though, they are afraid of getting lost if they wander too far away by mistake, that is why they choose to stay on track with life, until the tiresomeness of life sucks their souls dry. Or that they may think it's a waste of time to take a holiday from life. These people who are not willing to let go of their life for a while will hardly ever have a taste of happiness. They keep surviving under no fear of getting lost, but at the same time, they keep surviving without taking a break, learning to laugh a little.

My imagination takes me away from life for a while, and it has so far been the best place for me to wander off whenever life tires me. What about you, where do you usually wander off to?

The Green-eyed

Jealousy is what has been dominating my thoughts recently. Jealousy of all kinds: when I see someone else being very close to my best friend, when one of my friends always has it all, when some good looking girls always gets what she is not supposed to deserve.

It's insane, not to mention, very immature, I know. I can't help it though, I'm always insecure and I really don't know how I can change it. To be honest, I don't feel good about myself. I don't like anything about myself, from head to toe, from my skin to deep inside my bones. Not that I hate who I am, or that I'm going to kill myself, but I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

Usually, I start off being envious of them - of the nice smile they have, of their charming personalities - then it's when my insecurity interrupts, every single time - not like I want it to! I hate when it happens. It bugs me and never stops. It bothers me to even think about how I will never be good enough. Yes, I am good, but I am not good enough. And I know myself so well that I'm dead sure I will never be, no matter how hard I try. This is how I'm born to be - good, but never better.

Sometimes, people try to convince me that it's only me myself who is standing in my own way. They talk about how everything would get better if I just let go of the thought of who I think I am to become who I want to be. I'm not saying that it's not their place to judge, because perhaps it is - but I did try. I tried so many times even more than the times you blink. Now you see, I am still who I am, the person who longs for being a better me, but never being able to do it.

There's no reason to it. It's simply myself. It's simply who I'm born to be. I would imagine life as a transparent cylinder, and we are the insects that have been kept inside of each of our own cylinders. Some are living inside a longer cylinder, while others are living in shorter ones. I might just as well happen to be the insect that live inside a shorter cylinder. I try to find my way out. I climb to the top. I've done my best to reach my top - to be good - but being better is never my top, it is someone else's, I can't shove them over and reach their top, can I? All I can do, is to watch others reaching a higher spot of their cylinders from inside my own short one. While doing so, the only feeling that swallows me bits by bits is jealousy.

I sound so pathetic. This is perhaps the most pathetic entry I've ever posted up here. If you want to criticize my way of thinking, go ahead, you are beyond welcome in doing so. Judge me for being silly, shallow, immature, if you think your opinions can be the cure for my sick way of thinking.

Teach me to be good enough.

The Bat

Once upon a time, the birds and the beasts had started a war, for to be the species that took control of the world. The beasts were led by the lion, and the birds were led by the eagle. The battle was intense, birds took the lead, they had their advantages:

They attacked the beasts way up high from the air. They dropped rocks to crush the heads of the beasts. Many beasts got killed as they could barely lift up their heads to watch out for flying rocks.

Creatures fought bravely for their species. At this drastic moment of war, the bat was left out. It had trouble deciding which party to side with. However, knowing the birds were taking the lead, the bat thought about the triumph they would be able to win. For this reason, it turned to the eagle, stretching out its arms and said,

"I have a pair of wings. My ability to fly has proven my stance with birds. I am one of you. Therefore, I will fight bravely and honorably for birds."


The eagle was very pleased to hear how noble and valiant the bat was. It promised the bat a share of the throne if they won the war. The bat was delighted, so it joined the birds in the war and fought with courage.

Some time later, the beasts took the lead. Monkeys and leopards killed the birds at night when they were resting on trees, unaware of the attack. The bat panicked. It was worried about being captured to be a prisoner of war. It decided to change its mind, then. The bat hid his wings and went to seek safety. It turned to the lion,

"I have the body of a mouse. I can sneak into holes, taking down the birds and their nests without being noticed. I am what you need. I can help you win the war."

The lion was beyond glad to know the bat would help them conquest the birds. Seeing the sincerity of the bat, it promised the bat victory. The bat felt secure with the beasts, for it thought they would win the war.

Have you ever wondered why bats live in caves and only come out at night?

The story ends like this:

The birds and the beasts finally made a truce. They decided to stop the war to cut down the loss of food and their habitats. The two species had even built a kingdom - led by the lion, guarded by the eagle - to ensure the safety of the animals.

Both parties were hunting for the bat, for to destroy the hypocritical creature. They looked for every trace the bat had left, hoping to find where it was hiding.

The bat found somewhere to hide, of course. It lived in a batcave and only came out at night, so that other animals would not be able to notice its existence. It had never felt any lonelier as it was now. That is why, for thousands of years, bats live in caves and only come out at night.

There must have been times when we encounter bats in our lives. In fact, I have known several of them already - from school, from work - they are certainly one of my pet peeves. I've noticed the high school drama that I came across earlier. Every single incident happened because tension was stirred up between different parties at school - it was funny, really, to see some people switching sides from time to time for their own advantage. It is not my place to judge though, for different people are born for different reasons. Yet, for some, they live for making profits that are beneficial to themselves, and by that, they are willing to do anything it takes to fulfill their desire, even immorally.

Who are the bats in your life? Perhaps it is yourself.

It's not the fact that you're back bothers me, it's just that you're back but I don't feel you anymore - it bugs me so much.

I really want to love you, you're everything I had longed for. But I just don't anymore.

Sebastian's Effort

I heard a story which I can relate to myself. The story goes like this:

There once was a man, he wanted so bad to win the lottery. Therefore, he prayed to God every day and night for to win the lottery.

For years of praying he could win the lottery, still, there was never a day he had a slight chance to win. He never gave up, though. He kept praying every single day and night, until he grew old. Then, he got sick and was dying. He lay on his deathbed, still out of breath, asked God,

"Father, for all these year that I have prayed to You to grant me the wish of winning the lottery, days and nights, never a moment have I ever lost faith in You. Why, though, you never let me win the lottery? Please tell me, Father, what have I done wrong?"

God replied him,

"Sebastian, I did hear your prayers every day, and I could see your effort, really. However, I still cannot grant you your wish, for you have been praying to win the lottery but you never go buy the lottery ticket,"

The man died without winning the lottery.

I am one of those who talk about doing it, while others go and do it. It is my number one problem on the list that I know I should get rid of, and I am trying to, but still stuck in the same phase over and over. I really hope I won't be like Sebastian, only talking about living my wildest dream but never pursuing it.

Are you another Sebastian?

"And life is too much like a pathless wood"

In Birches, Robert Frost wrote,

I'd like to get away from earth awhile

And then come back to it and begin over.

Because of his weariness of considerations, and that he feels lost in life - And life is too much like a pathless wood, he wants to leave this place for a little while - not permanently, though - so that he can leave all his obligations and responsibilities behind, and before long, he would like to come back and face them. It is marked that his will of returning is based on the appreciation he shows towards life - and that is what he finds on earth: Love. His escapism is only temporary. In his poem, it strongly suggests that Love is one of the reasons that gives him the urge to run away, but it is also the reason why he chooses to return to earth instead of escaping to other places. The experience of love torments him as much as it strengthens him -

Earth's the right place for love:

I don't know where it's likely to go better.

There is no other place that he'd rather be than on earth, where love exists.

Frost writes about his childhood of swinging on the birches, of being flung up and down from the ground to the air, then from the air back to the ground. He parallels this motion with his wish of temporary escape, illustrating the escapism is as though swinging up toward heaven and then down, returning to the ground.

I would like to be a swinger of birches, too; for I don't have the courage to leave this place for ever, and because even though a specific element in life has hurt and crushed me, it somehow has been what keeps me motivated at certain times. Undoubtedly, life is tiring, for we have to bear our responsibilities and duties on our shoulders at any time, but still, the million years of time (including BC) where human-beings have existed through, most have lived by bearing heavy loads of obligations until the end of their lives.

Extracting another poem by Robert Frost, Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening - we live, because we have obligations and responsibilities that we are under. Even if we encounter the temptation of escapism, or perhaps a death wish, we have to carry on with our journey. At least for me, this is what I will always do. Life is tiring,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

"When I hear our song, I get that same old feeling,"

The Sandbox, the Swing, the Monkey Bars

I used to think happiness is always around, and that those who try looking for it will eventually succeed, for they deserve it. But now, after my, precisely, 17 years 5 months and 3 days of living, I've learned that happiness is not a choice. Some are born with it; however, as we grow older and maturer, happiness still fades, no matter how hard we fight for it.

When I was in kindergarten, happiness was nothing more than having a shitload of fun inside the sandbox. I was satisfied with the least because it was all I knew - the sandbox - I thought it was what the world was all about, and right at that very moment when I was fiddling with sand castles inside the sandbox, I felt I owned the world. I had been the happiest kid compared to the others who were standing outside the sandbox, waiting to take a bite of what completed me.

I got ambitious when I grew older. I learned that sandboxes were not the only facilities in the park that could entertain me - I saw swings. They gave me excitement I could not gain from playing with sand. Sadly, there were only two swings in the park, and I particularly liked the one on the right (perhaps because it was yellow and because it was on the right). You see, people always share the same interests, so I was not the only kid who preferred the yellow swing on the right, there were many others who liked it like I did. As a matter of fact, the more scarce things are, the more desirable they become. Somewhat, the swings became rare - because there were only two swings in the park in total, everyone had to queue up to play, those who were swinging would occupy for a longer period of time since they knew there were many others who wanted what they had - they knew what they had was so precious that people longed to have a share of it. I had waited long enough to just swing on it for a couple of minutes - I got tired of waiting. Even so, I did not give up. I stood there waiting, still hoping it could be my turn to swing on it before Mom came looking for me. Whether I had successfully swung on the swing is not the matter, because either way, I felt truly unhappy for the first time.

Here I am now, seventeen years old, about to finish my last year of high school after this Summer. I am not old, nor wise, but I did go through many things which others at my age never have, and perhaps never will. These experiences have taught me life lessons, they have given me knowledge in different aspects. As much as they have enlightened me positively, they have also broaden my horizon to make me see many other negative things in life. And as my life goes on, I've found that happiness is so much like a light, only it gets dimmer each day as I come across different circumstances.

The more we learn, the closer we are to the world around us. I come to realize the greater diversity of lifestyle we encounter only causes greater desire. But desires are not always likely to be fulfilled, such that, it gives us disappointment. Therefore, the more we know, the less happy we are - because happiness in itself is a rareness that cannot ever satisfy everyone at the same time.

Some years later (after the indulgence in the swing), I went back to the park where I used to line up for the swing. It was late at night, and it was vacant. I sat on the swing and swung like I was a ten-year-old, this time, only knowing that I could never be ten years old again, because I knew that the swing was not the only facility in the park - I saw the monkey bars.

We are most alive in dreams.

I cannot agree more with it. Indeed we are. In our dreams, we do whatever our subconsciousness has been telling us to do but we never act them out when we're wide awake. Perhaps because of all the limitations in reality: not having the balls to do it, not realizing we actually give a shit about it, struggling between what we want to do and what's against our morality, and so on. But when we slowly submerge into the state of relaxation, then from our sleep to our dreams, we will be able to do what our subconscious minds urge us to.

And the feelings we get in our dreams are the most intense. That's why when we dream of suffering, the pain brings us back from our dreams to the reality, waking to an ache that you cannot fully understand the reason to. That's also why when we dream of fulfillment, it awakens us to the joy that slowly kills us, given the fact that the intense happiness is a feeling too overwhelming that eventually, we know it can never be true.

I went to bed at 2 a.m. last night. It was when I dreamed of you. It felt like a whole day in my dream, and yet, I woke up to only realizing that it had only been an hour, or even less.

In my dream, we were talking. I saw your smile, as warm and as sweet as usual. We were sitting in the middle of a wheat field, and I could see the sun going down. I couldn't exactly remember what we talked about, I could only relate our conversation to supper - you were probably proposing a dinner at my place, to meet my family. Yes, now I slightly remember, you told me you couldn't wait to meet my parents, to see what kind of people they were. Then the sky started getting dark, and the wind blew stronger. I was cold, we stood up and were about to leave. You saw me tremble and was about to give me your hood but the very moment when I reached my hand for it, you turned to look the other way, and you wouldn't let go of the hood. Then you kind of snatched it back and ran away. I blinked, but then you were nowhere to be seen. I lost sight of you in just a blink of an eye. I started weeping and the feeling was way much worse than when I woke up. It hurt so bad in my dream, and the tears wouldn't stop falling.

My heart skipped a beat. WHAT A CLICHE. Okay, shut the fuck up for a little while, just let me finish.The first thing came to mind was the urge to fight back the tears, but I realized there were no tears back in reality. Moments later, I thought long and hard about what had just happened, I had little clue about it, though. Anyway, I managed to write down as much as I could remember right away. Still, I was sad the second when I woke up. The nameless soreness in my heart kept me awake the whole night. Indeed I didn't sleep last night. It was rough, I have to tell you. I even watched the Green Hornet for the thousandth time and drank the tasteless Ambrosia (It was supposed to be a kickass drink but my sister screwed up by adding too little vodka into the milk, which had tortured my stomach the whole night). I just could not get it out of my mind, needless to say, out of my heart.

In my dream, I felt as if I was dying inside. And the dying-inside-feeling-that-will-only-ever-be-experienced-in-my-dreams sensation was what made me wide awake, realizing I had never felt as alive as I was in my dreams before, in compare to the feelings I had in reality. The goddamn pain in my dream had nearly killed me, ironically, it made me feel so alive when I knew I was so close to being killed by the hurt. However, back in reality, it was only a bittersweet that wouldn't stop bothering me and, tragically, kept me from following my regular sleeping order - which then, after the thousandth time of replaying the Green Hornet, I fell back asleep, regardless of the fuss about the sadness - because after several hours, I felt numb likewise, because it has become one of the ways of how I choose to deal with the constant feeling of missing you for all these months.

Anyhow, the feelings I get in my dreams are so much more intense than that in reality. For that reason, I do believe that we are most alive in dreams.

Do You Still Think About Me

我曾經說 我們錯過了太多
因為總是有不起眼的某個他與某個她令我們錯過了對方

到底錯在你太早愛
還是錯在我太晚愛

如果我當時不看他...
如果我當時選擇你...
如果我那時候相信你...

許多的如果令我放不下這份執著
許多的如果令我討厭自己不懂得把握機會

我已經不愛你
只是我一直無法忘記心裏的遺憾

雖然分開了
但是到現在
還是希望你會偶然回頭看看我
我也就會一直站在這裏笑着向你揮揮手
畢竟也曾經愛過

Lasting

I kept asking why when he said he couldn't go on any longer.

"Perhaps you're leaving me for someone else," I'd thought.
"You only want to take a break," I'd thought.
"Maybe it's just a test," I'd thought.
"It can't be over," I'd thought.
"You'll come back to me," I'd thought.
"I'm dreaming, it must be only a nightmare," I'd thought.
"Is it because I'm not good enough?" I'd thought.
"Oh please tell me you didn't cheat," I'd thought.

I had thought of thousands and thousands of reasons to explain it. I had thought of reasons to comfort myself. I had thought of reasons to trade back all the time I spent on the worthless cryings instead of sleeping. I had thought of reasons to ease the pain. I had thought of reasons to give myself hope - even just the slightest hope would be enough to mend my aching heart.

After all the desperation for millions of reasons, still, I knew deep inside that there was only one solid answer, true to the core, but hurt one-million-eight-thousand-three-hundred-and-forty-five times more than the sum of a slip-and-fall to the ground, a blade cutting through the skin, a bone crushing into powder and a knock right across the corner of the mouth that bloodied it:

He stopped loving me.

Just like that. Just this one reason was already more than enough to explain why he had been ignoring my texts, why he never picked up the phone, why he didn't look me in the eye anymore, why he couldn't say he loved me too, why he stopped smiling, why he no longer cared. With just this single reason, I completely broke down.

The reason torn me into pieces, let alone swirl in the middle of the air, with each piece of me floating elsewhere like a lost soul, or some would prefer to call them wander ghosts, then fell apart to the ground, which eventually been stepped on while people were all pacing toward each of their destination - God knows where they were headed.

I came to conclusion that humans, by means of people of all kinds: blind, deaf, pretty, ugly, disabled, talented, ignorant, young, old, homosexual, ordinary - eventually leave one another when they stopped loving. They leave because they stop caring. They stop caring because they stop loving.

When I was young, I never agreed on love would fade.

"What the fuck... true love never fades," I'd thought.
"Love always stays, even if passion is no longer," I'd thought.
"What's fading is your faith in love, not love itself," I'd thought.

Now, I can be absolutely sure that Love is a bitch who does fade away. It fades when time goes by. It fades when you don't pay enough attention. It fades when hatred grows. It fades when virtue is no longer contained. What doesn't fade isn't love itself, because it is, love fades. What doesn't fade is the expectations and fantasies of love. Yes, I do mean that the ones who fantasize about love will never leave.

"It will only screw the whole thing up if expectations/fantasies don't meet reality," I'd thought.
"Imagination is abstract, it cannot last once reality intrudes," I'd thought.
"Thinking about something that's never going to happen will only damage everything," I'd thought.

But I've found out now, that fantasies are the only thing that can forever last, even if it never meets reality. That's the whole point. Not meeting the reality is what keeps people staying, because the results are always unexpected, unpredictable. Creativity is the new form of love. Fantasies are what we need in a relationship. Both parties fantasize about love, about making it big, then practice their ideas in reality, even if it isn't as it has been expected, it will still be a blissful surprise. This is what keeps people together - not just lovers, but also friends, family, colleagues, mates - everyone.

Now that I've found my own way, my thoughts have something to say.

"I won't ever be the one who leaves,"
"Now I know what I'm pacing towards,"
"Love does stop and fade away, but there's one thing that doesn't,"

A Place For Us

I enjoy living the past. Don't judge me for dwelling on it, honey I just can't stop thinking about you, I never stopped, right from the very beginning when we first met and when you promised me joy.

You are what glows within me. I keep you in my heart for so long that you've already been a part of me. Then you left, but we both know that the part in me can never be taken away. It belongs to me and it is what makes me whole. My love, you complete me.

Don't ever criticize. Please never judge me for living the past in the present. I'm not lying to myself, it isn't that I cannot face the fact that you've left. It started off to be my escape and my comfort, it just slowly becomes my hobby, then, my bad habit. I don't try to get rid of you, darling. You are my Sunday morning coffee, my Monday work, my Tuesday nap, my Wednesday lecture, my Thursday prayer, my Friday night party, my Saturday walk on the beach. I cannot live without this habit of mine.

Do you still remember how you first told me you were falling for me? And how I never even noticed? Do you still remember we stayed up all night talking about our childhood? And how you were a timid boy who was afraid of the dark? Do you still remember when you had a car crash on your way to school one morning then I freaked out and started crying? And you told me how blessed you were to finally have me caring about you? Remember when I was still the only one who truly made you happy while other girls made you sick? You said you would forever be the only one who brought me happiness, too. We had forever, I never forget. But it is still not bad for now that I have the past.

The past is not in the past, it is in the present - at least to me it is. I'm not escaping, I'm holding on. Tell me I'll only get hurt in the end, it's not something new - I know I will. But I dare to.

Everything has changed. Me, I have completely changed, if to be concise. I don't know why and how this happened, but it just did. I don't know what else I can do to stop myself from changing. Nor that I want to stop this from happening.

I just don't care about anything, anyone anymore. Well, maybe not necessarily NOTHING and NOBODY, but let's just put it this way: now I only care about myself. If they asked me how I was doing, I would usually tell them how I was and in turn, asked them how they were doing. Now, I just happen to say I've been doing good so far and don't care much about their lives anymore. If you ever found me asking "How about you?" you just got lucky, it must have been the boredom that I couldn't stand, not because I cared about you. In general, I don't really participate in any of my friends' lives. They are the ones who participate in my life now, no matter I want them in or not.

If you ever ask my about relationships, consider the alternatives - ask me what I'm currently reading, ask me about the tea I like, ask me what my thoughts are on certain issues. Just not on love, I don't fancy love and relationship now. I'm not saying this because I lack security and self-significance or comfort, but seriously, just drop out of that topic. I'm interested in nobody in particular.

I'd rather spend time on reading than on socializing. I don't need anyone's shoulder to cry on or to take my pain away, bullshit, I can handle my own emotions. One second I'm extremely depressed, soon you'll find me laughing so hard to a point that tears flood out non-stop.

I'm not selfish - I enjoy giving and sharing as much as Jesus does. I'm not socially awkward - I can become close friends with strangers in less than a minute. I'm not seeking attention or recognition by bullshitting about how I enclose my feelings nor am I escaping - I do write long, emotional articles about how I feel occasionally.

I'm just independent.

Haven

You're all over this place, it's time for a new start. I'm not sure if I really want this though. People always tell me it's not that I can't get over you, but it's been me the whole time who never really want to move on to a new phase. Not that I lack boys - oh of course - I'm crazy about you. I've never seen anything like you before, baby you are really one person that always lights up my whole world, just like how it is both in the lyrics and in life.

This is me being honest here. I'm not going to illustrate how magical my love is for you, I'm not going to exaggerate. You are not who I look up to, and most of the time I think you're really dumb on particular aspects. But there is something special in you, perhaps you don't see it, nor anyone can, but I see it. And that's why you have inspired me so much. What I think about, what I write about, the inspiration all comes from you. You're always on my mind, you're always in my mind, and in fact, you've never left ever since the moment you came into my head. It makes me wonder if certain people stay there forever, even if they are no longer anywhere to be found.

I am fascinated by my own imaginations. I live by my imaginations. I sleep by them. They basically make me me. If I could be in any one place in the world, it would be my imaginations. Some people find me ridiculous, they try to wake me up, pulling me out of my thoughts. If you ever find me ridiculous, and you try to awake me from my imaginations, I tell you now, don't. Imaginations are always better than reality. Say I'm escaping, I tell you now, it's my safest haven. Say I'm hiding, I tell you now, it's my lullaby. I love being there.

So if you don't hear from me, I ran away in my mind. Don't try to find me.

And now you just slip through my fingers like sand.

Hey, Friend

When you were seventeen, what would you have done? If it wasn't because of a huge loss, would you have learned to cherish?

If it wasn't because of what had happened, I wouldn't learn the importance of treasuring.


If you love, let them know.
If you hate, eliminate your hatred.
If you miss someone, talk to them.
If you're wrong, make things right.
If you sympathize, share your happiness.
If you see them weep, wipe their tears.
If you see their wounds, mend them.

In the poem As I Walked Out One Evening by Auden, it writes:
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.

Bear in mind the most significant, yet simplest form of life living as human beings as in a unified body - to treasure the time spent with others while in your, and their existence. When you learn to cherish, you learn to live to the fullest.

If you haven't yet started treasuring, start doing it now. If you don't you will come to realize that you are too late.


I hope I'm not too late.
I had been a terrible person to you.




I always love you, so and very, very much.
I should have been a better friend.

Love Game

"I measured love by the extent of my jealousy." -Graham Greene

I could never tell how true it is until you begin to treat me like any other girls.
You know, back in the days, I used to be different - having inside jokes with you, teasing you but never having to anger you, telling lies without worrying that you would leave me some day, because I never thought you would. Until then, I became a person that did not differ from the girls around you. What happened next was, I fell for you. I have fallen so deep, thousands of kilometers would not even be able to measure how deep it is, not even the depth of the ocean. It was when you started changing.

Sometimes I would wonder how things would turn out differently if I never told you I was falling for you. I never stop convincing myself that it must be because of the fulfillment of your desire that has put you into such position that the passion you once had is now long gone. Just like what they always say,
The easier you get, the less you treasure.
Tell me darling, is that true?

Am I nothing to you? Am I no more?

How I wish I were raindrop. In a free-fall from the clouds, if by luck, onto your shoulder, I could be carried home silently, without you noticing that I had always been there, secretly admiring you, adoring the incredible structure from your jawline to your neck, loving you unconditionally. Your shoulder, my love, would be where I would always choose to land on if I were raindrop.

I feel as if everything is far beyond my reach day by day. A thousand yards today, a million miles tomorrow. Within this week, it might still be possible for me to fantasize about talking to the wind. I could whisper to the breeze, hoping it would carry my words from here to there, where you are now, but a year from now, you're going to be a few hundred light years away, where I can never see you nor hear from you ever again.

I wish I could stop us from drifting apart, but the force is way too strong, who am I to pull you back when you are the one who pushes me away?

Still, there is a question which you have not answered. A simple one that I have asked you since day one.

Honey, is Vermont a place full of players?

There are times when I wish this was all but a dream, and when I woke up, looked around, I would still be in your arms, while you were only fast asleep right next to me.

I enjoy being happy as much as I enjoy being sad.

At times when I'm in a state of extreme sorrow, I plead you, don't ever try to make me feel better.
I am capable of handling my own emotions. I need some time alone.

I'll talk to you when I feel like to,
or when I know I'm starting to sink to the very bottom
and forget about how to swim to the surface.

But never have I ever been so depressed to a point that I no longer find my way out,
so please just give me space
and give me time to sort things out,
because I know myself, crystal clear,
because I know that eventually, I'll be just fine like I've always been.

Now I'm just exhausted, and so sick of being stuck in the same phase of love - again and again,
if you ask me what is wrong, I shall have to expose my wounds to you,
and every time by doing so, it hurts,
it hurts so goddamn much.

This pain is not like any other pain,
it doesn't hurt like a paper cut, nor does it ache like a punch on the shoulder.
This pain is something I cannot bear.

So shall I plead you, don't come any closer even if you're my friend.
I will have it sorted on my own. I'm one year to being a young adult.

Just let me rest, and take a step back.
Perhaps I'll realize, that in the end, life is not always about the enjoyment and suffering.

I'll call you, I'll text you, I'll talk to you,
whenever the wounds are healed.
By then, I will have my scars shown to you,
with words coming from once a damaged human being
to a fearless soul,
loud, and proud:
"Scars is a beauty, each one gives me a reason to live,
each one symbolizes how I survived through the world's fatal mistakes."

All I ask for now though, is a break,
my spiritual struggle to be paused for a little while,
so as to breathe in a mouthful of fresh air.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

每次做了些甚麼 傷了別人的心
又或者做錯了決定 讓自己的心傷透了
然而不願意面對時 最喜歡給自己藉口
"我不清楚自己在幹甚麼"
選擇躲避
以為能逃走
以為能脫離責任
一直欺騙着自己問題已經解決
跟真心撒謊
"世事難料，我沒有能力掌握所有將會發生的事情，只有神才是命運的操控者。"
有時又會愛理不理 心想
"你傷心關我屁事，我才沒有時間策劃好怎樣去玩弄你感情。沒感覺就沒感覺，那有誰玩弄誰。"

或許這就是怯懦
最後還是成為了恐懼的奴隸。

從小就很討厭膽小鬼
"懦夫 是沒有用的東西 是廢人"
怎料現在的我卻成了懦夫的一份子
懦弱令我變成了另一個廢人

討厭現在的自己

"我不清楚自己在幹甚麼"
這句話 不知道又會在甚麼時候再次大派用場呢
明天?

自問何時才懂得 真正地鼓起勇氣去面對?
- 要直到我愛的那個他 被我傷得遍體鱗傷?

還是直到自己的真心 碎得沒發再修補 才肯告訴自己
"其實我一直都知道自己在做甚麼，都知道自己一心渴求的 只是..."

喂
誰來愛我 疼惜我?

Just yesterday, I was talking to my best friend about my ex. I said I couldn't forget him, and that I still missed him a lot. Then he came up with a conclusion. He said I was feeling this way only because of one reason, I still haven't found another person to replace him.

I mean, yea, I guess it does help me to move on, but at the same time, it makes me wonder if it can really replace something that we have lost in life and fill up the hole inside our heart.

Ever since I was born, I was convinced by the fact that things that are lost can never be replaced. If you have read the book by Cecelia Ahern, A Place Called Here, I think you'll have a clearer idea of what I'm trying to imply. Once it's lost, it is lost. It can never be found, and it can never be replaced. Take my diary book as an example, I figured I've lost it. I went looking for it the whole day but still could not find a single trace of my diary book. Is it THAT important to me? No, not at all - despite it was brand new and I only written two entries on it. I just cannot cope with the fact that when it is lost, it is lost - it's still no where to be found. My parents said they would buy me a new one, a prettier one, but I didn't like how they think it was gonna replace my diary book.

It just can't. It is not what it was supposed to be. Lost things can never be replaced.

Just like Lxx, I lost him, literally. Yes I lost him, we lost contact, I lost everything of his. Can a new love help? Well, yes, to move on, but no, he can never replace Lxx. People are individuals, mind you, nobody can ever be replaced, nothing can ever be replaced.

So were all the other former lovers of mine. I lost them, they could never be replaced. Cxxx didn't replace Brxxxx, Brxxxxx didn't replace Lxxxx, Lxxxx didn't replace Wxx, Wxx didn't replace Lxx. As a matter of fact, I just got over them, but I still think about every one of them once in a while. (Not cheat, I don't love them anymore)

That's why, I think conclusion can be drawn here. Replacement is a good way of moving on, but it is not how we fill up the hollow space in our heart that was supposedly belong to different people that had come but then left.

Yes?

I really cannot believe it. March is such an awful month. Why is it happening to me and all the people around me? Is this month cursed? It's really starting to freak me out.

I broke up with my exboyfriend about three months ago, forcing myself to move on, I deleted all methods that I could use to keep in touch with him - from deleting every single message he sent me to blocking him on facebook, it kept us entirely distant from each other, given that he's in the USA, both physical and emotional already made it 'easier' for me to put relationship aside while focusing on academic work.

A few weeks before, I decided to unblock him on facebook, because I thought I would be able to handle no matter what situations would come slapping my face frontally.

How I never thought about the tie I still had that connected to him.

March was his month, just like February, mine. Even though I didn't take his birthday too seriously, I still managed to convince myself that it'd be better to at least say a few words on facebook and on here and to show my courtesy. I mean, just imagine it's your birthday, wouldn't it be nice to at least have some old friends' greetings? And come on, every birthday is supposed to be a blissful day, with joy and warmth. So courteous I went, typing up 'Happy birthday' randomly here and there hoping to show some delight. I unblocked him but I absolutely had no idea why he would find out about the unblock, and obviously visited my facebook/xanga page AND saw my posts about wishing him a happy birthday.

Some day later (one or two, I don't really remember), he texted me through iMessage bringing up a conversation. It was when stun came smashing my face like a frying pan, real hard, leaving after-pain. I had thought I was over it but I was wrong. I still can't deal with the situation, I still can't handle it - the fact that he is talking to me again, the fact that it was him who had dumped me in the first place, the fact that he seemed so fucking pathetic now that it made me kind of felt sorry for this guy, the fact that I had my heart broken because of him and now there might be a slight chance of him breaking it AGAIN, the fact that I was struggling between forgiveness and revenge, the fact that I was already half-way moving on to somebody new, hoping to let go of him, the fact that I was beginning to glue the broken pieces of myself together and interrupted by another hard, destructive punch that destroyed every single thing again.

I struggled. It was a long, painful struggle, I didn't know a single thing I was going to do. So I replied, truthfully, honestly. He asked if I was onto the next one, if I had moved on. I didn't think it mattered to be honest. It wasn't because I knew that whatever answer to that question would never bring us back together - I knew of course, we would never get back together (even if it wasn't him, it would be me, I believe I deserve someone way better). So what was the reason that I thought the answer wouldn't matter at all? Simple. Let's just say, so what? Let's assume I still loved you - so even if I was trying to move on, I would still crawl my way back to you. Assuming I didn't love you anymore - so not a single fuck would be given, right? See, either way suggests that the answer really did not matter. But considering how desperate he was to know what the answer was, I told him today. "I love nobody," because I'm still too young to know what 'love' is.

Then the same thing happened to my friend as well. Her ex wouldn't let go of that. Seriously? I mean, he cheated on her and dumped her. And now this? Biting the hem of her blouse like a Russel Terrier that wouldn't let go until it got its bone. Man this is too frigging harsh for a girl.

We're not toys. You don't come and go just like that. You don't possess us. We're not your property. We're not something that you toss around with while you're bored.

Love is more than just possession and companionship. You don't own me.

I belong to myself.

People hold a grudge against something that other people do because they're not smart enough to let go of the feeling of hatred, and because they can never accept the fact that they are not anybody special in this planet, that they are only the same as any other human being in this world.

And then the hatred they hold will lead to a strong sense of self-hatred, because in some point, they hate it that even both the person and they themselves do the same thing, the person is still doing better than themselves.

Next comes misery. They are in a misery so intense that they start to hate everybody. Well maybe not necessarily EVERYBODY, but almost everybody lol.

Apart from misery, there comes suicidal thoughts. The thought of suicide has never felt so overwhelming before, and it eats up their heads until they're left with nothing but skins and bones.

These people are never happy. They ask for ways to be happy, but even if they are provided with the ways, so what? They can never be happy because they can never let go of the grudge.

For fuck's sake, if you stop hating and being jealous for ONCE, you'll feel twice as happy.

When you kiss, you'll have butterflies in your stomach, you'll have your heart tied in a knot, you'll see sparks with your eyes closed; and the taste will last, leaving you soaked and embraced with warmth, bliss, happiness at the same time. You'll feel the urge to scream out loud, and tell the world that you're in love. You're in the kind of love that giving him everything still seems to be not enough, you're in the kind of love that taking all of him in still seems to be not enough, you're in the kind of love that promising him forever still seems to be not enough. Do you ever get that feeling? Do you? I did. I did, but not anymore.

The feeling should never have faded away. The feeling should have stayed.
The feeling should have been unforgettable.


But how can I forget?

You say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains.

You say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines.

You say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows.

This is why I am afraid,




you say that you love me too.

I just got dumped.

I FEEL LIKE I'M ALWAYS BEING LIED TO.

CAN YOU JUST CUT THE SHIT OUT AND TELL ME WHAT EXACTLY YOU WANT
SO I DONT HAVE TO SIT MY SORRYASS IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER EVERY NIGHT AND WAIT FOR YOU TO APPEAR ONLINE AND TALK TO ME
AND IT WILL SAVE US BOTH THE TROUBLE

Found a picture of my first love.

I'm really speechless now. What can I say, puppy love was silly but hey, it was certainly worth bringing up.

Branson was young, I was young. He was fifteen and I just turned fourteen. We were both young and we wanted the world. Then things changed, I had to find my way back home, and so was he.

We would have made a cute couple.
We would have been the happiest couple if where we both came from didn't matter at all.
We would have been the happiest couple if there weren't mountains and oceans keeping us apart.
We would have been the happiest couple if we both had the determination and commitment.
We would have been the happiest couple if we looked for and gave the same.
We would have been the happiest couple if he didn't cheat.
We would have been the happiest couple if forgiving was the only thing I had to do.
We would have been the happiest couple if our love was really true.
We would have been the happiest couple if...

Who would have guessed? What would YOU have done when you were 14 and 15? We were just kids and knew nothing about love. Somehow, we grew up from this memory to become what we are today. In some point, we thought we screwed up everything, we screwed up our friendship, relationship, trust, and came to believe that the world was all but nothing that always turned against us. But now we know that it's not true. We were invincible just like we are today. We allowed ourselves to be reckless and rebellious, we allowed ourselves to walk into traps ahead of us and get hurt in the end because we knew we would always be invincible. We knew that even if things ended ugly, we would still be okay.

There's a saying that I live by,
'You can't be old and wise if you were never young and crazy.'
I hope I won't end up being old and boring.

Anyway, looking back, my first love, from falling in love to falling out of love, was definitely worth the while. It will always be part of my memories. Branson, thanks for everything despite the fact that we both don't love each other anymore haha. I still hope the slightest things that remind me of you, remind you of me.

I use to find myself extremely sensitive, and my emotions were always fluctuating and unsettling. I could be happy or sad because of the slightest things that had happened.

But recently, I've been unexpectedly emotionally stable. Well, not necessarily emotionally stable to be honest, perhaps I should say, unemotional.

I'm guessing that this is happening probably because I am overwhelmed by numbness. It's like, I don't even bother to give a fuck about anything at all, even at times when I urge myself to care about things that are considered important, I just cannot feel the need to think about it at all. School, family, friends, relationship, all these that my life literally revolves around no longer matter to me.

Or I'm suggesting that things are getting all familiar to me now. It's just like a cycle, things repeat themselves over and over again, and this shit is slowly becoming boring to me. It has come to a point that I am utterly convinced by the fact that people come and go, but things could never get any worse. Truth is, things always get better, they always fall into place. They are always in the right order and nothing can ever go more outrageous than getting hurt and being left alone, because eventually, there will be a start of something new.

So here I am now, living my life as a routine, having no expectation of anything at all. And this numbness is turning into an emptiness that can never be filled. On rare occasions, it haunts me - does this mean my life is becoming meaningless now? From this moment onwards, do I have no reasons to live at all?

Seriously I don't see any difference between living and dead. I hope new excitements help. And I do think I am desperately in need of something that entertains me that can bring me back to life again.

Why do people fall in love with illusions?

Like, they're not actually in love with the person they say they love, rather, they fall in love with this ideal person they make up.
'Oh, you're good looking, you are pretty, you have gorgeous eyes, so I bet there are quite a number of people that fancy you... which makes you a popular person. And you are very charming when you speak, everyone can't take their eyes off you when you're talking, I bet you must be a smart person at school. Hmm... I like you. I think I'm in love with you...'

This is just sad, because when the truth about the person you idealize come striking right at your face, pow, you immediately break down with the fact that who they are aren't actually who you've been expecting. They're not actually THAT amazing, they seem to be charismatic and strong people in the crowd but truth is, they are vulnerable and scared inside.
And you know what? These people that you idealize are eventually left alone, because you guys are fuckingdisappointed.

What's with all the disappointment? Nobody tells you to believe in illusions. Both parties get hurt because of false image that you've always been creating to fool yourself.

I just don't understand why people won't accept the fact that nobody is perfect, and that nobody is absolutely 'your type of guy/girl'. And please, when you find out about how different they are from what you have expected, don't abandon them. If you love them enough, you won't just leave, you won't tell them to change just for your sake.

If you love them enough, embrace every inch of their flaws, tell them they're beautiful.
If you love them enough, encourage them to be who they are instead of being who others want them to be.


I love my boyfriend enough to say that he's absolutely amazing despite all the flaws he has. Of course, be a better person, put effort in everything you do, but never change your roots. Never change yourself.

I love you just the way you are, and I mean it.

Just because distance is a cockblock doesn't mean I'm gonna stop loving you.