La Dispute - 9 - Andria

You still cross my mind from time to time. And I mostly smile.
Still so set on finding out where we went wrong and why
So I retrace our every step with an unsure pen,
Trying to figure out what my head thinks,
But my head just ain't what it used to be.
And then again, what's the point anyway?
I remember you ascending all the stairs up to the balcony
To see if you could see me - hidden quietly away
And I remember the skin of your fingers,
The spot three quarters up I'd always touch when I was out of things to say.
You held my hand, but you were too afraid to speak and I could never understand.
I remember when you leaned in quick to kiss me, and I swear,
That not a single force on earth could stop the trembling of my hand,
And I remember how you smiled through the smoke
In a crowded little coffeehouse and laughed at all my jokes.
And I remember the way that you dressed and,
How we wasted all the best of us in alcohol and sweat
And I remember when I knew that you'd be leaving, how I barely kept up breathing
And I bet if I had to do it all again, I'd feel the same pain,
And I remember panicked circles in the terminal in tears.
How I wept to god in fits. I've hated airports ever since.
It must be true what people say, that only time can heal the pain.
And every single day I feel it fade away, but -
I still remember how the distance tricked us,
And lead us helpless by the wrist into a pit to be devoured.
I still remember how we held so strong to this,
Though we had never really settled on a way out.
I still remember the silence, and how we'd always find a way
To turn and run to our mistakes.
I still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again.
My dear, I hear your voice in mine.
I've been alone here, I've been afraid, my dear.
I've been at home here. You've been away for years. I've been alone.
I breathed your name into the air; I etched your name into me.
I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea.
I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear.
It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.
So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.
If I can't love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.
And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end.

Chances

At my darkest times, I would say, "I've got nothing left to lose." Thinking back, what defines nothing? Of course, I've got my family, my friends, they are definitely something. I've got my sister, not just anyone else, but my one and only sister. What was I thinking when I whined about having nothing left to lose?

Chances.

I missed them all the time. I missed my only chances, or that, I took chances at the wrong timing. It has always been my problem. Once they were gone, they never came back. Second chances never came back, unlike the lucky ones, they are always given a second chance while I sit and cry and keep complaining about how unlucky I am and whine and scream and then cry again, hoping to learn to enjoy every second of my insanity but always fail to. Second chances never came twice (at least not for me), not being able to hold on to the chances that had been neglected was my loss and what I consider my biggest failure. Factors like timing, my B.S.L. (Bad Shit of Luck), insecurities, irresponsibility, fear, ignorance, et cetera, et cetera, add up to each of the huge loss in my life.

Then slowly, I learned to overcome all the factors that had led to my failure. I learned to trust, I became a responsible person, I was fearless. Still, timing was never right. We broke up, I waited for him to come back, he found a new love, I still waited, he dumped her and came back, I told him to wait until he was fully ready, we waited, he fell for another girl again, I waited, then I moved on, he came back, he was ready to settle down, but I already moved on, and you know what, it's already been three years and I'm still the only one he's been waiting for. Tragically, I don't love him anymore. He was so lucky to have a second chance, but he didn't hold on to it. And it is such a let down to know there's someone loving me unconditionally, yet I do not love him anymore. Do you see how it sucks to miss a chance?

Drowned in the sea of relationships, chances passed me by again and again. It was all because of bad timing. Then I got ambitious. I tried holding on to every chance that happened to come across my life, I didn't want to lose any of it anymore. Whenever I saw a chance, I rushed to take it, hoping to make the best out of it. I was in such a rush, and I was overwhelmingly ambitious. I knew it would be too fast, I knew I would end up getting hurt - continuously, but I was tempted by grabbing the chances around me. I no longer cared even if I got hurt afterwards, the desperation of holding on tight to these chances would make me happy for a short while - the very short happiness indeed - be it a nano-second, I wouldn't care about how much it would hurt in the end.

Guess what, rushing is never the right thing to do. I lack patience. Because I lack patience, now and again, I've got nothing left to lose. If only I was given another chance out of the 0.000000000000000000001% possibility, I would never tell you how much I loved you until I knew you felt the same and were ready to fit me into your heart and into your life. If only I had just the slightest chance. If only. If only.

It wasn't because you left me that made me cry. It was because we both had thought we were the special one for each other but it turned out different. Honey, you have no idea how much I wish you were the one, and yet, it hurts me so much to finally realize you are not, perhaps never will be.

Keith Urban - Days Go By

We think about tomorrow then it slips away
We talk about forever but we've only got today

So you better start living right now

Maybe this is not what I want.

I'm not sad. Just that, the frustration and disappointment broke my heart. It hurts to know most people don't have faith in love.

Where is my best friend when I need him most

Butterflies? Better Not

Out of all the boys I've been with, there was so far only one that could reach my standard, that explained why we went official. It was no hook up, it was real, at least what I felt for him was real. I pictured our future together - all the things we would have done together but never did; what we would have gone through hand-in-hand, side by side but failed to; all that we could have conquered, spilling our guts out, shouting on top of our lungs recklessly while the clock strikes twelve "The world is ours!" but never really happened. Even so, he was my world. I held on for so long because I believed it was him.

Then we grew apart. Literally and emotionally. As much as he was ten million miles away from where I lived, I felt our souls were, too. It crushed me to know he was slipping away, day by day, until I could no longer feel his existence. I was a stranger to him, a walking corpse to myself. It felt like the end of the world, or perhaps, it was. Maybe the world has been long destroyed ever since the day he left me. My world full of love had disappeared, I looked everywhere for it, it was never found. Feelings were gone. Trust, responsibility, patience, innocence, passion, loyalty - all gone, only memories stayed, let alone be buried deep inside.

Little butterflies came knocking at my door every now and then. They were pretty but never amazing. They brought me to see lovely places, but never the world's greatest wonders. They were the peaceful river, but never the spectacular waterfall. They showed me to different theme parks, malls, jets, but I wanted the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Grand Canyon in Colorado, Mount McKinley in Alaska. I said I wanted to set off, to go exploring the world with only backpacks on our shoulders, they said it was not what a girl should aim for. So after the butterflies had flown around the flowers in my garden for a while and after letting them swirl in my stomach for the slight sense of tickle and laughter, I spit them out.

Butterflies, I watch you fly around me, wear you around me like decorations. I have many of it, need not be surprised. I enjoy the company with butterflies, but this is not what I've been looking for. I lost the heart that has been dug out of me, that is what I am trying to find.

The xx - Chained

If a feeling appears
If your mind should sway
It's not a secret you should keep
I won't let you slip away

Random Shit

I feel like shit right now. And I don't know who I can talk to, or maybe because I don't even know how to open up to them? I hope this place gives me security.

As much as feeling scared, I'm disappointed as well. I've been through several relationships, they all failed. I thought they all failed because of the distance and the separation, I was wrong. They didn't even like me to be honest. They only thought they did because they knew I loved them. It's cruel, really, and unfair. Even worse, it had never been their fault, nor mine. I just couldn't get them to feel the same way about me as I did toward them, but I hadn't noticed until the very last moment, this is the shit part. I had thought they loved me like how I loved them, I just got too involved while they were not. Getting attached is the first most horrible thing that had repeatedly happened to me. Maybe they were my first priority but I wasn't theirs. If only this isn't vague enough to explain the term 'relationship'.

Then I thought, maybe it was illusion that had blinded both sides. Excluding illusion, we would have never put on a false show, I would have never been tricked by it, thinking I had stepped beyond the zone and got a little closer to them. Honestly, thinking back, I thought way too much. Illusion made me picture my future with them. I thought we would be able to make it through. Then guess what, I got my own heart broken.

I'm stepping into this same old cycle again recently. I know I should get out before I fall too deep, but my character doesn't allow me to. I'm not the kind of person that steps out immediately when I notice there's a problem, even if I know the problem can never be solved and it will never work out. That's why in the end, things always end up the same. People around me started to get annoyed, probably because I wouldn't stop whining about how I failed my relationships again, not to mention, making the same wrong decision. Hey, but I can't help it. Now, I don't talk to any of them about any of my stuff anymore. I'm beyond glad to have this place for me to bullshit around.

I'm somewhat disappointed.

Dedicated to Christy

Someone is going to leave today. She is a very important person to me and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. This girl was once my best friend. We laughed, we cried, all the time we spent together made me feel most alive. We aren't best friends anymore, most of the people around us wonder why.

"Is it because of her new friends that you don't like?"
"Is it because of your new friends that she doesn't like?"
"Is it because either one of you ratted out the other?"
They would wonder.

Pal, if that's all you can come up with, then you should shut your mouth, open your eyes and see the bigger picture. Friendship isn't always about having fun together and sharing secrets, or going through ups and downs together. Friendship is about growing up together, coming to realize the best and the worst in one another, learning what you look for in life and that you and your friends might not always be on the same path, then teaching yourself to grow a better self out of it, so that when you are on to a new phase of life, you look back to your past friendship and tell yourself,

"Thank god we both let go. Thank god we've both become what we are today."

The first few months of junior high was a mess. None of us knew what we were doing. I could be compared to a new born baby, just had my eyes opened. We were all completely new and unfamiliar to this school life. I was the odd-one-out, never good at making new friends. She was from another class, and she was friends with my sister. I didn't have any friends when I first came to my class, so I had to stick with my sister during lunch breaks to be less lonely. And that was how me and my former-best friend met. We got along quite well because we had common interests. We had similar taste in music and quite a lot of inside jokes that we knew of. We became very close, we were like each others' shadows. I knew everything about her - well, mostly everything - she knew everything about me. We never left each other and it was what we promised.

We stayed friends for almost four years, but we slowly drifted apart. When we were in senior, we had a change in classes, we had new friends of our own, then. We talked less. I felt it, I knew she felt it too. I always convinced myself that it was just because we were too busy with our new lives, but the lie could never get to my head. I knew it wasn't because we were busy, I knew it was because we were starting to grow up, and we grew to see things differently. We had completely different perspectives and talking to each other started to get more difficult. I don't mean the method of communicating, it was the knowledge and mutual understanding that kept us apart.

Half a year later, we weren't friends anymore. We never talked, we never waved hello even when we walked past each other. I didn't know why. We started to hate each other, with no reason at all. She was a total cunt to me (hey if you're reading this, I'm sorry, but you were really so mean!) and I couldn't get myself to forgive her. We started all the high school drama to pick on each other. Both of our friends joined, of course. It was a huge fight, I don't know when exactly it began, I don't know if it has stopped. Anyhow, it just further damaged the bond between us.

It's not the reason why we're not best friends anymore though. A year later, after the massive high school drama and shit, we started to talk again. We agreed on being friends again, like how we used to be. Deep inside, though, we both knew we couldn't make it. It just wouldn't happen. Not that I hated her, no, not at all. I just found myself avoiding her all the time. It was mostly because I got used to the life without her, and it felt kind of weird to have her back. Besides, I lived pretty fine that way.

Some time ago, something happened to my former-best friend. It was somewhat a tragedy. I was one of those to be the first to know. I still remember how it feels when the news first got to me. I was shaking, my lips trembled. I fought hard trying not to let my tears fall, I didn't want to admit that I cared.

"She doesn't matter to me at all. Not anymore." I told myself.

I couldn't hold back, however. It broke my heart to know she was in the hospital. Every single picture of what had happened that day still tortures my thoughts from time to time. I remember crystal clear how it cut me like a blade. I cried and cried and cried like a baby, it wouldn't stop. It was a drastic moment. I would never forget. It still triggers my tears when I think about it every time. I knew, right at that moment, she was my most precious. I couldn't lose her. It had always been her who made me become myself. She was my then-best friend, and she was the best and the worst I learned from for all these years.

We talked about random things again, after that day and that incident. But I still couldn't get that happiness I once had when I was around her. There's a wall between us, I figured. Somehow, we've grown up, innocence was no more, recklessness was no more. We had been so happy, because we were wild at heart, we were invincible. Now, we've come to realize that as the years go by, burden climbs its way up to our shoulders, only each time, it gets heavier. We live now, behind the veil that hides who we really are, for to protect ourselves, to protect the ones around us, but mostly, to prevent our innocence from slipping away. Ironic, isn't it? The harder we try to hold on to our childlike hearts - to be innocent and pure, the faster and easier we lose it.

Children's friendship is friendship. Grown-ups' friendship is benefit, greed, selfishness, pretense, lies. As time goes by, friendship isn't friendship anymore. There's no such thing as happiness, there're no such things as promises, there's no such thing as trust, needless to say, innocence.

Now, we barely talk. She's leaving today, going to a place for a brand new life, because here in this place, there are only hideous ones, they judge, they hate, they lie. I'm not lucky enough to leave this place yet, but I wish her all the best to be able to leave this living hell. I'm beyond delightful to see her start a new life, but as much as gladness, it breaks my heart, too. For I know that the best thing I can do for her now, is to stay where I am, let her go and pursue her dream, then slowly forget all the undertow that has once nearly dragged her to a place worse than hell.

We're not best friends anymore. I hope we aren't. I hope she has moved on to a new phase, I hope she has found a new life. I hope she takes a step closer to her destination.

I am so happy to have spent my youth with this girl. It startles me, still, to know that she was who I once shared the world with. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The world was once ours, I'll never forget.