I really cannot believe it. March is such an awful month. Why is it happening to me and all the people around me? Is this month cursed? It's really starting to freak me out.

I broke up with my exboyfriend about three months ago, forcing myself to move on, I deleted all methods that I could use to keep in touch with him - from deleting every single message he sent me to blocking him on facebook, it kept us entirely distant from each other, given that he's in the USA, both physical and emotional already made it 'easier' for me to put relationship aside while focusing on academic work.

A few weeks before, I decided to unblock him on facebook, because I thought I would be able to handle no matter what situations would come slapping my face frontally.

How I never thought about the tie I still had that connected to him.

March was his month, just like February, mine. Even though I didn't take his birthday too seriously, I still managed to convince myself that it'd be better to at least say a few words on facebook and on here and to show my courtesy. I mean, just imagine it's your birthday, wouldn't it be nice to at least have some old friends' greetings? And come on, every birthday is supposed to be a blissful day, with joy and warmth. So courteous I went, typing up 'Happy birthday' randomly here and there hoping to show some delight. I unblocked him but I absolutely had no idea why he would find out about the unblock, and obviously visited my facebook/xanga page AND saw my posts about wishing him a happy birthday.

Some day later (one or two, I don't really remember), he texted me through iMessage bringing up a conversation. It was when stun came smashing my face like a frying pan, real hard, leaving after-pain. I had thought I was over it but I was wrong. I still can't deal with the situation, I still can't handle it - the fact that he is talking to me again, the fact that it was him who had dumped me in the first place, the fact that he seemed so fucking pathetic now that it made me kind of felt sorry for this guy, the fact that I had my heart broken because of him and now there might be a slight chance of him breaking it AGAIN, the fact that I was struggling between forgiveness and revenge, the fact that I was already half-way moving on to somebody new, hoping to let go of him, the fact that I was beginning to glue the broken pieces of myself together and interrupted by another hard, destructive punch that destroyed every single thing again.

I struggled. It was a long, painful struggle, I didn't know a single thing I was going to do. So I replied, truthfully, honestly. He asked if I was onto the next one, if I had moved on. I didn't think it mattered to be honest. It wasn't because I knew that whatever answer to that question would never bring us back together - I knew of course, we would never get back together (even if it wasn't him, it would be me, I believe I deserve someone way better). So what was the reason that I thought the answer wouldn't matter at all? Simple. Let's just say, so what? Let's assume I still loved you - so even if I was trying to move on, I would still crawl my way back to you. Assuming I didn't love you anymore - so not a single fuck would be given, right? See, either way suggests that the answer really did not matter. But considering how desperate he was to know what the answer was, I told him today. "I love nobody," because I'm still too young to know what 'love' is.

Then the same thing happened to my friend as well. Her ex wouldn't let go of that. Seriously? I mean, he cheated on her and dumped her. And now this? Biting the hem of her blouse like a Russel Terrier that wouldn't let go until it got its bone. Man this is too frigging harsh for a girl.

We're not toys. You don't come and go just like that. You don't possess us. We're not your property. We're not something that you toss around with while you're bored.

Love is more than just possession and companionship. You don't own me.

I belong to myself.

People hold a grudge against something that other people do because they're not smart enough to let go of the feeling of hatred, and because they can never accept the fact that they are not anybody special in this planet, that they are only the same as any other human being in this world.

And then the hatred they hold will lead to a strong sense of self-hatred, because in some point, they hate it that even both the person and they themselves do the same thing, the person is still doing better than themselves.

Next comes misery. They are in a misery so intense that they start to hate everybody. Well maybe not necessarily EVERYBODY, but almost everybody lol.

Apart from misery, there comes suicidal thoughts. The thought of suicide has never felt so overwhelming before, and it eats up their heads until they're left with nothing but skins and bones.

These people are never happy. They ask for ways to be happy, but even if they are provided with the ways, so what? They can never be happy because they can never let go of the grudge.

For fuck's sake, if you stop hating and being jealous for ONCE, you'll feel twice as happy.