Do You Still Think About Me

我曾經說 我們錯過了太多
因為總是有不起眼的某個他與某個她令我們錯過了對方

到底錯在你太早愛
還是錯在我太晚愛

如果我當時不看他...
如果我當時選擇你...
如果我那時候相信你...

許多的如果令我放不下這份執著
許多的如果令我討厭自己不懂得把握機會

我已經不愛你
只是我一直無法忘記心裏的遺憾

雖然分開了
但是到現在
還是希望你會偶然回頭看看我
我也就會一直站在這裏笑着向你揮揮手
畢竟也曾經愛過

Lasting

I kept asking why when he said he couldn't go on any longer.

"Perhaps you're leaving me for someone else," I'd thought.
"You only want to take a break," I'd thought.
"Maybe it's just a test," I'd thought.
"It can't be over," I'd thought.
"You'll come back to me," I'd thought.
"I'm dreaming, it must be only a nightmare," I'd thought.
"Is it because I'm not good enough?" I'd thought.
"Oh please tell me you didn't cheat," I'd thought.

I had thought of thousands and thousands of reasons to explain it. I had thought of reasons to comfort myself. I had thought of reasons to trade back all the time I spent on the worthless cryings instead of sleeping. I had thought of reasons to ease the pain. I had thought of reasons to give myself hope - even just the slightest hope would be enough to mend my aching heart.

After all the desperation for millions of reasons, still, I knew deep inside that there was only one solid answer, true to the core, but hurt one-million-eight-thousand-three-hundred-and-forty-five times more than the sum of a slip-and-fall to the ground, a blade cutting through the skin, a bone crushing into powder and a knock right across the corner of the mouth that bloodied it:

He stopped loving me.

Just like that. Just this one reason was already more than enough to explain why he had been ignoring my texts, why he never picked up the phone, why he didn't look me in the eye anymore, why he couldn't say he loved me too, why he stopped smiling, why he no longer cared. With just this single reason, I completely broke down.

The reason torn me into pieces, let alone swirl in the middle of the air, with each piece of me floating elsewhere like a lost soul, or some would prefer to call them wander ghosts, then fell apart to the ground, which eventually been stepped on while people were all pacing toward each of their destination - God knows where they were headed.

I came to conclusion that humans, by means of people of all kinds: blind, deaf, pretty, ugly, disabled, talented, ignorant, young, old, homosexual, ordinary - eventually leave one another when they stopped loving. They leave because they stop caring. They stop caring because they stop loving.

When I was young, I never agreed on love would fade.

"What the fuck... true love never fades," I'd thought.
"Love always stays, even if passion is no longer," I'd thought.
"What's fading is your faith in love, not love itself," I'd thought.

Now, I can be absolutely sure that Love is a bitch who does fade away. It fades when time goes by. It fades when you don't pay enough attention. It fades when hatred grows. It fades when virtue is no longer contained. What doesn't fade isn't love itself, because it is, love fades. What doesn't fade is the expectations and fantasies of love. Yes, I do mean that the ones who fantasize about love will never leave.

"It will only screw the whole thing up if expectations/fantasies don't meet reality," I'd thought.
"Imagination is abstract, it cannot last once reality intrudes," I'd thought.
"Thinking about something that's never going to happen will only damage everything," I'd thought.

But I've found out now, that fantasies are the only thing that can forever last, even if it never meets reality. That's the whole point. Not meeting the reality is what keeps people staying, because the results are always unexpected, unpredictable. Creativity is the new form of love. Fantasies are what we need in a relationship. Both parties fantasize about love, about making it big, then practice their ideas in reality, even if it isn't as it has been expected, it will still be a blissful surprise. This is what keeps people together - not just lovers, but also friends, family, colleagues, mates - everyone.

Now that I've found my own way, my thoughts have something to say.

"I won't ever be the one who leaves,"
"Now I know what I'm pacing towards,"
"Love does stop and fade away, but there's one thing that doesn't,"

A Place For Us

I enjoy living the past. Don't judge me for dwelling on it, honey I just can't stop thinking about you, I never stopped, right from the very beginning when we first met and when you promised me joy.

You are what glows within me. I keep you in my heart for so long that you've already been a part of me. Then you left, but we both know that the part in me can never be taken away. It belongs to me and it is what makes me whole. My love, you complete me.

Don't ever criticize. Please never judge me for living the past in the present. I'm not lying to myself, it isn't that I cannot face the fact that you've left. It started off to be my escape and my comfort, it just slowly becomes my hobby, then, my bad habit. I don't try to get rid of you, darling. You are my Sunday morning coffee, my Monday work, my Tuesday nap, my Wednesday lecture, my Thursday prayer, my Friday night party, my Saturday walk on the beach. I cannot live without this habit of mine.

Do you still remember how you first told me you were falling for me? And how I never even noticed? Do you still remember we stayed up all night talking about our childhood? And how you were a timid boy who was afraid of the dark? Do you still remember when you had a car crash on your way to school one morning then I freaked out and started crying? And you told me how blessed you were to finally have me caring about you? Remember when I was still the only one who truly made you happy while other girls made you sick? You said you would forever be the only one who brought me happiness, too. We had forever, I never forget. But it is still not bad for now that I have the past.

The past is not in the past, it is in the present - at least to me it is. I'm not escaping, I'm holding on. Tell me I'll only get hurt in the end, it's not something new - I know I will. But I dare to.

Everything has changed. Me, I have completely changed, if to be concise. I don't know why and how this happened, but it just did. I don't know what else I can do to stop myself from changing. Nor that I want to stop this from happening.

I just don't care about anything, anyone anymore. Well, maybe not necessarily NOTHING and NOBODY, but let's just put it this way: now I only care about myself. If they asked me how I was doing, I would usually tell them how I was and in turn, asked them how they were doing. Now, I just happen to say I've been doing good so far and don't care much about their lives anymore. If you ever found me asking "How about you?" you just got lucky, it must have been the boredom that I couldn't stand, not because I cared about you. In general, I don't really participate in any of my friends' lives. They are the ones who participate in my life now, no matter I want them in or not.

If you ever ask my about relationships, consider the alternatives - ask me what I'm currently reading, ask me about the tea I like, ask me what my thoughts are on certain issues. Just not on love, I don't fancy love and relationship now. I'm not saying this because I lack security and self-significance or comfort, but seriously, just drop out of that topic. I'm interested in nobody in particular.

I'd rather spend time on reading than on socializing. I don't need anyone's shoulder to cry on or to take my pain away, bullshit, I can handle my own emotions. One second I'm extremely depressed, soon you'll find me laughing so hard to a point that tears flood out non-stop.

I'm not selfish - I enjoy giving and sharing as much as Jesus does. I'm not socially awkward - I can become close friends with strangers in less than a minute. I'm not seeking attention or recognition by bullshitting about how I enclose my feelings nor am I escaping - I do write long, emotional articles about how I feel occasionally.

I'm just independent.

Haven

You're all over this place, it's time for a new start. I'm not sure if I really want this though. People always tell me it's not that I can't get over you, but it's been me the whole time who never really want to move on to a new phase. Not that I lack boys - oh of course - I'm crazy about you. I've never seen anything like you before, baby you are really one person that always lights up my whole world, just like how it is both in the lyrics and in life.

This is me being honest here. I'm not going to illustrate how magical my love is for you, I'm not going to exaggerate. You are not who I look up to, and most of the time I think you're really dumb on particular aspects. But there is something special in you, perhaps you don't see it, nor anyone can, but I see it. And that's why you have inspired me so much. What I think about, what I write about, the inspiration all comes from you. You're always on my mind, you're always in my mind, and in fact, you've never left ever since the moment you came into my head. It makes me wonder if certain people stay there forever, even if they are no longer anywhere to be found.

I am fascinated by my own imaginations. I live by my imaginations. I sleep by them. They basically make me me. If I could be in any one place in the world, it would be my imaginations. Some people find me ridiculous, they try to wake me up, pulling me out of my thoughts. If you ever find me ridiculous, and you try to awake me from my imaginations, I tell you now, don't. Imaginations are always better than reality. Say I'm escaping, I tell you now, it's my safest haven. Say I'm hiding, I tell you now, it's my lullaby. I love being there.

So if you don't hear from me, I ran away in my mind. Don't try to find me.

And now you just slip through my fingers like sand.