The Green-eyed

Jealousy is what has been dominating my thoughts recently. Jealousy of all kinds: when I see someone else being very close to my best friend, when one of my friends always has it all, when some good looking girls always gets what she is not supposed to deserve.

It's insane, not to mention, very immature, I know. I can't help it though, I'm always insecure and I really don't know how I can change it. To be honest, I don't feel good about myself. I don't like anything about myself, from head to toe, from my skin to deep inside my bones. Not that I hate who I am, or that I'm going to kill myself, but I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

Usually, I start off being envious of them - of the nice smile they have, of their charming personalities - then it's when my insecurity interrupts, every single time - not like I want it to! I hate when it happens. It bugs me and never stops. It bothers me to even think about how I will never be good enough. Yes, I am good, but I am not good enough. And I know myself so well that I'm dead sure I will never be, no matter how hard I try. This is how I'm born to be - good, but never better.

Sometimes, people try to convince me that it's only me myself who is standing in my own way. They talk about how everything would get better if I just let go of the thought of who I think I am to become who I want to be. I'm not saying that it's not their place to judge, because perhaps it is - but I did try. I tried so many times even more than the times you blink. Now you see, I am still who I am, the person who longs for being a better me, but never being able to do it.

There's no reason to it. It's simply myself. It's simply who I'm born to be. I would imagine life as a transparent cylinder, and we are the insects that have been kept inside of each of our own cylinders. Some are living inside a longer cylinder, while others are living in shorter ones. I might just as well happen to be the insect that live inside a shorter cylinder. I try to find my way out. I climb to the top. I've done my best to reach my top - to be good - but being better is never my top, it is someone else's, I can't shove them over and reach their top, can I? All I can do, is to watch others reaching a higher spot of their cylinders from inside my own short one. While doing so, the only feeling that swallows me bits by bits is jealousy.

I sound so pathetic. This is perhaps the most pathetic entry I've ever posted up here. If you want to criticize my way of thinking, go ahead, you are beyond welcome in doing so. Judge me for being silly, shallow, immature, if you think your opinions can be the cure for my sick way of thinking.

Teach me to be good enough.