The best thing about me

We are most alive in dreams.

I cannot agree more with it. Indeed we are. In our dreams, we do whatever our subconsciousness has been telling us to do but we never act them out when we're wide awake. Perhaps because of all the limitations in reality: not having the balls to do it, not realizing we actually give a shit about it, struggling between what we want to do and what's against our morality, and so on. But when we slowly submerge into the state of relaxation, then from our sleep to our dreams, we will be able to do what our subconscious minds urge us to.

And the feelings we get in our dreams are the most intense. That's why when we dream of suffering, the pain brings us back from our dreams to the reality, waking to an ache that you cannot fully understand the reason to. That's also why when we dream of fulfillment, it awakens us to the joy that slowly kills us, given the fact that the intense happiness is a feeling too overwhelming that eventually, we know it can never be true.

I went to bed at 2 a.m. last night. It was when I dreamed of you. It felt like a whole day in my dream, and yet, I woke up to only realizing that it had only been an hour, or even less.

In my dream, we were talking. I saw your smile, as warm and as sweet as usual. We were sitting in the middle of a wheat field, and I could see the sun going down. I couldn't exactly remember what we talked about, I could only relate our conversation to supper - you were probably proposing a dinner at my place, to meet my family. Yes, now I slightly remember, you told me you couldn't wait to meet my parents, to see what kind of people they were. Then the sky started getting dark, and the wind blew stronger. I was cold, we stood up and were about to leave. You saw me tremble and was about to give me your hood but the very moment when I reached my hand for it, you turned to look the other way, and you wouldn't let go of the hood. Then you kind of snatched it back and ran away. I blinked, but then you were nowhere to be seen. I lost sight of you in just a blink of an eye. I started weeping and the feeling was way much worse than when I woke up. It hurt so bad in my dream, and the tears wouldn't stop falling.

My heart skipped a beat. WHAT A CLICHE. Okay, shut the fuck up for a little while, just let me finish.The first thing came to mind was the urge to fight back the tears, but I realized there were no tears back in reality. Moments later, I thought long and hard about what had just happened, I had little clue about it, though. Anyway, I managed to write down as much as I could remember right away. Still, I was sad the second when I woke up. The nameless soreness in my heart kept me awake the whole night. Indeed I didn't sleep last night. It was rough, I have to tell you. I even watched the Green Hornet for the thousandth time and drank the tasteless Ambrosia (It was supposed to be a kickass drink but my sister screwed up by adding too little vodka into the milk, which had tortured my stomach the whole night). I just could not get it out of my mind, needless to say, out of my heart.

In my dream, I felt as if I was dying inside. And the dying-inside-feeling-that-will-only-ever-be-experienced-in-my-dreams sensation was what made me wide awake, realizing I had never felt as alive as I was in my dreams before, in compare to the feelings I had in reality. The goddamn pain in my dream had nearly killed me, ironically, it made me feel so alive when I knew I was so close to being killed by the hurt. However, back in reality, it was only a bittersweet that wouldn't stop bothering me and, tragically, kept me from following my regular sleeping order - which then, after the thousandth time of replaying the Green Hornet, I fell back asleep, regardless of the fuss about the sadness - because after several hours, I felt numb likewise, because it has become one of the ways of how I choose to deal with the constant feeling of missing you for all these months.

Anyhow, the feelings I get in my dreams are so much more intense than that in reality. For that reason, I do believe that we are most alive in dreams.