Butterflies? Better Not

Out of all the boys I've been with, there was so far only one that could reach my standard, that explained why we went official. It was no hook up, it was real, at least what I felt for him was real. I pictured our future together - all the things we would have done together but never did; what we would have gone through hand-in-hand, side by side but failed to; all that we could have conquered, spilling our guts out, shouting on top of our lungs recklessly while the clock strikes twelve "The world is ours!" but never really happened. Even so, he was my world. I held on for so long because I believed it was him.

Then we grew apart. Literally and emotionally. As much as he was ten million miles away from where I lived, I felt our souls were, too. It crushed me to know he was slipping away, day by day, until I could no longer feel his existence. I was a stranger to him, a walking corpse to myself. It felt like the end of the world, or perhaps, it was. Maybe the world has been long destroyed ever since the day he left me. My world full of love had disappeared, I looked everywhere for it, it was never found. Feelings were gone. Trust, responsibility, patience, innocence, passion, loyalty - all gone, only memories stayed, let alone be buried deep inside.

Little butterflies came knocking at my door every now and then. They were pretty but never amazing. They brought me to see lovely places, but never the world's greatest wonders. They were the peaceful river, but never the spectacular waterfall. They showed me to different theme parks, malls, jets, but I wanted the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Grand Canyon in Colorado, Mount McKinley in Alaska. I said I wanted to set off, to go exploring the world with only backpacks on our shoulders, they said it was not what a girl should aim for. So after the butterflies had flown around the flowers in my garden for a while and after letting them swirl in my stomach for the slight sense of tickle and laughter, I spit them out.

Butterflies, I watch you fly around me, wear you around me like decorations. I have many of it, need not be surprised. I enjoy the company with butterflies, but this is not what I've been looking for. I lost the heart that has been dug out of me, that is what I am trying to find.