Chances

At my darkest times, I would say, "I've got nothing left to lose." Thinking back, what defines nothing? Of course, I've got my family, my friends, they are definitely something. I've got my sister, not just anyone else, but my one and only sister. What was I thinking when I whined about having nothing left to lose?

Chances.

I missed them all the time. I missed my only chances, or that, I took chances at the wrong timing. It has always been my problem. Once they were gone, they never came back. Second chances never came back, unlike the lucky ones, they are always given a second chance while I sit and cry and keep complaining about how unlucky I am and whine and scream and then cry again, hoping to learn to enjoy every second of my insanity but always fail to. Second chances never came twice (at least not for me), not being able to hold on to the chances that had been neglected was my loss and what I consider my biggest failure. Factors like timing, my B.S.L. (Bad Shit of Luck), insecurities, irresponsibility, fear, ignorance, et cetera, et cetera, add up to each of the huge loss in my life.

Then slowly, I learned to overcome all the factors that had led to my failure. I learned to trust, I became a responsible person, I was fearless. Still, timing was never right. We broke up, I waited for him to come back, he found a new love, I still waited, he dumped her and came back, I told him to wait until he was fully ready, we waited, he fell for another girl again, I waited, then I moved on, he came back, he was ready to settle down, but I already moved on, and you know what, it's already been three years and I'm still the only one he's been waiting for. Tragically, I don't love him anymore. He was so lucky to have a second chance, but he didn't hold on to it. And it is such a let down to know there's someone loving me unconditionally, yet I do not love him anymore. Do you see how it sucks to miss a chance?

Drowned in the sea of relationships, chances passed me by again and again. It was all because of bad timing. Then I got ambitious. I tried holding on to every chance that happened to come across my life, I didn't want to lose any of it anymore. Whenever I saw a chance, I rushed to take it, hoping to make the best out of it. I was in such a rush, and I was overwhelmingly ambitious. I knew it would be too fast, I knew I would end up getting hurt - continuously, but I was tempted by grabbing the chances around me. I no longer cared even if I got hurt afterwards, the desperation of holding on tight to these chances would make me happy for a short while - the very short happiness indeed - be it a nano-second, I wouldn't care about how much it would hurt in the end.

Guess what, rushing is never the right thing to do. I lack patience. Because I lack patience, now and again, I've got nothing left to lose. If only I was given another chance out of the 0.000000000000000000001% possibility, I would never tell you how much I loved you until I knew you felt the same and were ready to fit me into your heart and into your life. If only I had just the slightest chance. If only. If only.